Why Are Men Afraid Of Love?


943461_10151374380561472_1531909280_n   I am a writer, poet, and blogger. I have had a love affair with writing for 28 years and we are still going strong. Since August 2009 I have been writing a relationship blog Loverzquarrel’s Blog http://loverzquarrel.wordpress.com and more recently I launched an online self-help magazine entitled Cultivation of You (COY) http://coymag.wordpress.com . I pride myself on sharing various experiences to help someone else. I anticipate that you can learn from my mistakes and take away a bit of wisdom from my growth process in love and life. You can reach me @sweetnectar2480 on Twitter, thanks. Take care!

Neisha Kelly

Neisha

Men why are you so afraid to love? It is frustrating to look for love among those that fear it. Fear breeds content. Some of you are content and dare I say comfortable living in the fear of happiness. It is as if you are adamant believers in the waiting for the other shoe to drop concept.

Many of you are emotionally unavailable. The main concern of men seems to be protecting your heart so much that it is closed off from love. Rendering it incapable of loving someone else and void of emotional attachment. Please do not allow your past to dictate your future. Many of us women are scared too. We have to conquer this fear together. We all have battle scars and love scorned hearts. We anticipate the heartbreak forgetting how our heart aches for love. Yearning for someone to turn to, someone who understands and love us flaws and all.

Often times I’ve met men whose heart was crushed and then was sent back to him in pieces. They are often so afraid to love that they reject a great catch for fear of being rejected again. The fear of the unknown terrifies them rendering them incapable of conveying the words to describe what they are truly running from. They themselves don’t even know.

Case in point, a childhood friend wanted to date me for years. Finally after decades of avoidance, I gave him a shot. Everything was going good until the emotional attachment began. The closer I became, the more he withdrew until he stepped out of the picture completely. He would do this two more times before I realized he was terrified to love me. He was afraid I was going to hurt him in some way despite the fact I came to him with an open and honest heart void of malicious intent. He would rather lose me then love me right back. I had to tell him that his disappearing act had run its course. I knew he was running from love not me.

Men, we need you to be so strong that we forget sometimes you are weak. Sometimes you get scared and run and hide. Of course we want you to come out and face us because we are not your enemy. However, neither one of us communicate how we are feeling for the fear (yes fear again), of being vulnerable. Showing our barest essence is a terrifying reality.

 

 Treo

I can honestly say there are so many women that can relate to this message. I have a few questions for you. What if he wasn’t afraid of love? Maybe you weren’t the woman to bring him out of his shell. Most people, including myself, would hate to feel that the person we love would rather be with someone else. As a result, we would much rather assume we did something wrong. That way we can do something to fix it. Another thing we do is assume there is something wrong with them. That way we don’t have to deal with the rejection of thinking we didn’t do it for them. We want them to feel like we feel and the minute we realize we don’t have that same effect on them, we try to give them more attention and love. More often than not this pushes them even further away and makes us seem needy even if we aren’t.  I learned from my own personal experience that I wasn’t a psychologist so there was no point in trying to figure someone out. I did learn not to take it personal and that sometimes two people just don’t fit together. To women who come across men that seem broken and afraid to love, my question for you is, “why take on that “fixer upper?” Just because you believe in love doesn’t mean you have to be the Gandi of love. You can’t save everyone and it’s best to find someone who is better suited for you. No one is perfect. However, there will be someone that not only comes alive when you see them; they will ignite a passionate flame within you that wind cannot extinguish.

 

 Neisha

That is an interesting point and a great question. Maybe I am not the woman who can bring him out of his shell. Maybe someone else is bestowed that task. It takes a heck of a person to stand back and say “Maybe I was not meant for him” versus “he is just afraid of my love.” I guess in my history I have had a habit of thinking I was “Miss Fix-It”. I had a habit of dating men that were emotionally unavailable. I thought I could convince them to love me when in fact I did not even love myself. I realized you have to love and be secure in your own skin before you can love someone else. I can only change me, not anyone else. I have to stop taking on these “pet projects” since they are not designed to meet my standards. A powerful phrase that was once shared with me still resonates today. It states, “When a man loves you, nothing can keep him away. When a man does not love you, nothing can make him stay.”

Comments & Responses

4 Responses so far.

  1. Ebony says:

    Hmmmm… I find myself in a situation where the one I wanted, and still love til this day, made it perfectly clear, that he did NOT want me. His words, not mine or my assumption. So, I’ve moved on, and decided to be with someone who has pursued me for the past two years, waiting patiently for a chance. Now that I have moved on, the one who didn’t want me calls more now than ever. He treats me as if I’ve done something wrong to him. He’s angry and makes sure I know it. I however, feel like he had his chance. I told him exactly how I felt about him and what I wanted, and he told me exactly what he didn’t want. Truth is, I still love this guy. I still have strong feelings for him, and even though he and I are no longer intimate, I cannot get him off my mind. Although he has made it clear that he did not want a relationship with me, outside of sex, he behaves as if I cheated on him or something and I just don’t understand. At the same time, I think he should just eat his heart out, because he HAD his chance, and he threw it away…

    • Trevor Scott says:

      One of the best things you can do is define what love means to you. I would suggest getting input form different sources so that you can stretch your vision. When you know what you are looking for, it becomes a little easier to identify it when you see it…treo

  2. Neisha says:

    When someone shows you who they are believe them. Sometimes we want, what we want, when we want it. This man isn’t oblivious he knows you have feelings for him and he is playing into that. He is pursuing you for his own carnal need. When he had the chance he did not take it for a reason but now he wants to play the cat and mouse game with you. Don’t fall for it. If he is sincere he will show it. Carry on with life as you were.

  3. Jamie Owens says:

    I really enjoyed this post. I think I have been “miss fix-it” as well. However, like you said, no one ever want to stop and think well maybe I’m just not a good fit for him. I do want to be in a healthy relationship. One one in which when my guy sees me, he’s excited and when I see him something inside of me, something I never felt before, rings a sounding alarm. I don’t want anymore projects or emotionally unavailable men. When will it every be mutual?

    Good post Neisha and Trevor

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