Tiffany recently came to me requesting my assistance in navigating through her perceived difficult love life. Her and her boyfriend recently made it official just a few short days ago and she was a little worried that this situation would turnout just like all the others in her past.
Far too many people make permanent decisions based on temporary emotions and Tiffany knew this very well since reading the book “Never Settle: The Essential Guide to Finding and Keeping Your Ideal Mate. In order for her boyfriend to eventually become her husband, he has to make sense for her beyond her high emotional attachment/attraction to him right now.
During the first few minutes of our session it was easy to tell what road block waited patiently for her in her future. Tiffany soon discovered that her and her new love may have a conflict when it comes to marriage in the future. She gathered her information and realized his family culture would not allow him to marry her because of her family culture. This was truly heartbreaking to her. It brought her to tears just to tell me the things she had to witness as a little girl growing up with a horrible example of what a father/husband was. Her previous relationships were unfulfilling and sometimes physically violent. This is a woman that obviously had a story to tell. She so longed for a happy ending hoping that maybe, just maybe that abundance of happiness would wash away the memories of her mom getting beat by her father.
It was very apparent to Tiffany that her boyfriend was extremely close to his family. You can imagine her fear. All she could see was them spending all this time together only to have his family deny support of their union. She felt in her heart that even if he did marry her he would have some sort of resentment because his family, that he cares so much about, can’t support his wife.
She is obviously an intelligent woman who strongly values her heart and refuses to waste it on Mr. Right NOW. A few minutes into our conversation it was pretty apparent that her boyfriend, although I hadn’t spoken to him, had taken a stance on marriage and the support of his family. “They would have to get over it” is the mentality of this young man. He wanted Tiffany and he wasn’t going to allow tradition to get in the way of who he decides to marry in the future. As a coach it was my job to extract the Event from all the meaning and interpretations because I knew I was only getting one side of the story.
Tiffany now had to be on guard at the door of her heart. She didn’t want to allow herself to get too close because her relationship stated to look like a dead-end road. She would often bring up the marriage issue in conversations with her boyfriend. She would show flashes of anger because of her frustration. There is no doubt that if left untreated this would no doubt be the start of the virus that would totally destroy any signs of happiness between the two of them.
The Reticular Activating System (RAS) is a bunch of neural fibers at the base of the brain that filters and sorts the important from the less important information that the brain receives from your different senses.
The goal is to change the filter to focus and sort out as “important” the things that will help you accomplish your goals. Your RAS works like Bing or any search engine. As long as you program it with what you want, it will give you the results you put into it. It will find exactly what you need it to find and totally ignore what doesn’t support the search inquiry.
Some people don’t even realize that they have sabotaging topics in their mental search engine or their RAS. These same people then wonder why they keep seeing the same negative results.
You can push hard for a goal, but you will still miss all the little key factors or opportunities that would assist you in hitting that goal if your subconscious or RAS was programmed for what you don’t want.
It was clear that the primary subject in her RAS had something to do with her relationship not being able to proceed to marriage. As a result, she was subconsciously looking for anything to support that belief and ignoring anything that supported the idea of her relationship being just fine. This is probably the reason she declined the offer when her boyfriend invited her to hang out with him and his mother. She was afraid that his mother would not like her but it is easy to see her thoughts were driving her actions which shaping her life to match the dominate thought. Just think, if her boyfriend is very close with his family and she continues to deny those offers it would be a matter of time before he decided that she was not the wife for him. The sad part is she may blame the breakup on him, not realizing that she attracted exactly what she didn’t want because it was in her mental search engine.
If you want to know what is in your RAS just look at the results in your life. Until you create a new destination in your mental search engine you will continue to get the same results, you will continue to attract the same time of people and you will continue to be exactly who you are right now. We all know the definition of insanity. It’s doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result. Don’t be insane.